11-18-2014

I want somebody.

I want somebody who understands me.

Somebody who looks at me, looks into my eyes, touches my hand because they want to feel closer.

I want somebody who has written in their journals of how much they want somebody like me.

Somebody who I can be intimate with: heart, body, soul…

Somebody to call into the room, all excited, when a particular ray of sunshine hits the blue glass of water so magically.

Somebody who doesn’t see me as a freak. Or as a nobody. Or worse: as a wise old soul.

Goddamnit.

I know that if I had this somebody (because I’ve this somebody in the past) that I’d want something else. Or to be alone.

I am cursed with want.

Even now, I want to not want.

I get this way every time my life’s dust settles. Because I can see the monopoly of it all. What it means to be human, what it takes to keep warm, how much energy I waste in securing my place in this world. I have to eat to stay alive, and I would need a place to live to stay warm. Well, I need to work to eat and have a place to stay warm. Then, I need to eat and stay warm to work to eat and have a place to stay warm. Furthermore, I need transportation to work to eat to have a place to stay warm, but I need to work to pay for the transportation that gets me to work to eat and have a place to stay warm.

Fuck.

I am so done with how they tell me to live, yet I see no alternative. I am so done with living in general, yet I see that death is just as lonely, just as barbaric, just as beguilingly hopeful as life is. Because death is life. There is no escape from this tenacious cycling of suffering. Buddha, I don’t know what you mean by Nirvana. I do not.

“Desire is the root of all suffering.”

Thanks. You just gave me the desire to stop desire in its tracks. I don’t get how your messages help me.

But, there is something. There is always the voice that pulls me through these hard times. It is feeble and lonely little Hope. He understands me, because Hope has both everybody and nobody. He speaks, but little give him attention nor the gratitude he deserves. The only difference between me and him is that I deserve nothing.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s